Mom Life, Daughter Wisdom

Transcript provided as a courtesy only, it has not been edited for content, clarity, or accuracy.

Speaker 1 (00:00):

Okay, last mom question. Do you track your children late at night?

Speaker 2 (00:07):

Speaker 1 (00:25):

So I can track them, but they can't track me.

Speaker 2 (00:28):

Really? Well, maybe you want to flip that up a little bit. Got to have that trust both ways.

Speaker 1 (00:39):

Hey girl,

Speaker 2 (00:40):

What

Speaker 1 (00:40):

Up? A whole lot. More than I can tell you.

Speaker 2 (00:45):

I bet. It's a busy time, right?

Speaker 1 (00:47):

It's an extreme. It's always busy. It sure

Speaker 2 (00:50):

Is. I got lots of

Speaker 1 (00:50):

Balls up in the air.

Speaker 2 (00:52):

Well, don't let them drop.

Speaker 1 (00:53):

Well, I'll tell you, I think it's okay sometimes to drop a ball or two. And today we wanted to talk about daughters and there are so many expectations on daughters and whether you're a daughter who takes care of parents or whether you are the young daughter, your daughter, my daughter, there are just so many expectations for both groups.

Speaker 2 (01:22):

Yeah, for sure. And I think too, as you look at daughterhood, whether or not, again, if you are a mother yourself, there's also a role that you have with your siblings, with your other extended family members. And so, so much goes into thinking about being a daughter too. You think about, you've talked with me before about your mother and where you grew up and everyone's lives are so different. What do you take from your own mom or your father or your extended family? I have so many friends too, and it was true of me as well. My grandmother was a huge influence on me. My family's from the South and some of those values and things that we hold true in our family really came passed down from my grandmother. A funny thing about her, she was such a role model to me as a child, and I had the mistaken impression that my grandmother was a nurse because when I would stay with her in summers, she would go to the hospital every day.

(02:25):

And I was very young, very impressionable and saw her go to the hospital. My grandmother was not a nurse. She was not. She was volunteering at the hospital and she later then put her name on a wing of that same hospital to help further that organization. But I thought she was a nurse because those were those traditional roles that I had in my head growing up.

Speaker 1 (02:48):

Fascinating. So I have learned through genealogy that my great-great-grandmother's first name was Susan. Fascinating. I'm pretty sure my mother knew about it. My maternal grandmother, both grandmothers actually, paternal and grandmother, were very petite. So my maternal grandmother who helped to raise me when I was very young wasn't even five feet tall. She was about 4'10", but that one was a powerhouse. And let me tell you something else. When my husband and I bought our house and we took our mother there, she said, "Susan, you will never believe it. Grandma worked as a domestic a block away." Isn't that an irony?

Speaker 2 (03:31):

It is. I

Speaker 1 (03:31):

Never knew that.

Speaker 2 (03:32):

Wow.

Speaker 1 (03:33):

But it speaks volumes about generations.

Speaker 2 (03:38):

Now pardon me, be clear. A domestic would be defined as a - She

Speaker 1 (03:43):

Cleaned their homes, the home of this particular family.

Speaker 2 (03:47):

Like live-in?

Speaker 1 (03:48):

No, no, because she had a family. So she cooked for them, she cleaned for them, she did the laundry for them. And this was a time where Black women really were very limited in terms of their employment opportunities. This was a very affluent area then and it probably still is considered now. And my mother just was in disbelief that her son-in-law and daughter could buy a home.

Speaker 2 (04:16):

And such pride, I'm sure.

Speaker 1 (04:17):

Oh, 100%. I think about my daughters. I have two daughters. They're grown now. I think sometimes about the burden of having me as a mother.

Speaker 2 (04:28):

Oh my

Speaker 1 (04:29):

Gosh. Well, I remember my oldest daughter's third grade teacher, third grade, Stacy, said to me, "Well, Dr. Taylor, you're a lot to live up to." And I'm like, "My daughter doesn't really quite understand what the heck I do or who I am. What do you mean?" But as she got older and as they got older and understood, I thought how do we change this from being a burden to an inspiration? Sure.

Speaker 2 (04:54):

Well, while I had great relationships when my kids were younger and I have two children, an older daughter, and she's 21 now, my son's 18, they went to the same elementary school and I would go and of course to all the parent-teacher conferences and things like that, often I would go alone to those and really relish that relationship with some of those teachers for sure. But funny enough, I didn't often partake in the pickup of the kids when they were in elementary school. And I think it's funny how often when I would show up for pickup, some of those teachers who had long forgotten about me and some of those other parents would say, "Well, who are your children and who are you here for?" Because I traveled so often for work. I often wasn't there for the pickup and some of those things. My then husband would do a lot of that.

(05:46):

In our school system, if you lived within a mile of the school or a mile and a half of the school, they weren't in a busing situation, so you were responsible for bringing your child home. And my husband took care of that and I didn't do that. So many of those people in the schoolyard had no idea who I was.

Speaker 1 (06:02):

I think it's great that your husband did that. I can tell similar stories. So when my girls did gymnastics, our housekeeper Maureen, our first housekeeper would take them and Maureen was Maureen O'Malley. And the other mothers at gymnastics would say, "Oh, did you adopt these Black children?" And she's like, "Oh my God, no, they have a mother." So that was okay, because Maureen was helping me get the kids to an activity they loved and my daughters didn't care where in the heck, who took them. But did I feel some kind of way? I did. And I made sure that that year I went with them once or twice and the other mothers were like, "Oh." Oh, that's the mom. "You're the mom." I'm like, "Yeah, I'm the mom. I'm the one who orchestrates all of this."

Speaker 2 (07:08):

That's cool that you mentioned intimidation though, because I think that now we've learned a little bit more about parenting skills and some of those really cool things that you can do with your kids. I think that one of the important lessons that I do impart to my daughter is you don't have to do it the way I'm doing it. Absolutely. And funny enough, I think that that younger generation, my daughter will turn to me to this day and say, "I don't want to work as hard as you do." And that's bittersweet a little bit to hear. I often look back on some of those early days. Again, she's 21, so we're talking about a little while ago, but at the same time, maybe I didn't model the exact behavior that I think that maybe I wanted her to follow, but she figured it out too, that she didn't have to be like mom and she can pick the best that she wants, as I feel like I did with my own parents.

(07:59):

I feel like I picked little things from each of my parents that I really do love about my personality or characteristics I take to work or in my own relationships. Hopefully that's something that your kids take away from today.

Speaker 1 (08:13):

Are your kids a little scared of you?

Speaker 2 (08:15):

I think they were when they were little. Not anymore. Maybe really young. The joke in my house was I mean business and they would fall in line from time to time. I think I championed the look. So it wasn't always what I said, it was the look. 100%. And you get that look.

Speaker 1 (08:40):

See, we refer to that as the black mom look. I didn't know you guys had a look too.

Speaker 2 (08:44):

Hey, white girls have that look too. I'm just saying. I think moms have that look. And you see it to this day. I think I tell new moms often, I'll say, no one hears your baby cry the way you do. I don't mind hearing a baby cry depending on where I am, but hearing a baby cry is never as loud as it is for that parent. Absolutely. Especially on a plane. So relax. It's going to be okay. I agree. And I think also it's funny, you have two daughters. My daughter came first and then my son. And I think it's funny how I parented her has been different to how I parented him. I think by the time he came along, I was a little bit more relaxed. Oh,

Speaker 1 (09:30):

All of us.

Speaker 2 (09:31):

Also, she was a bit more of a handful as a baby than he was. And I mentioned on another episode that I didn't take a long maternity leave. With him, I wanted to. In fact, when Trevor was born, my husband at the time was in the process of building what became my office. And I asked him to slow down on the construction because I wanted to spend a little bit more time being a mom to that toddler and that baby. I had them slow down a little bit because I wanted to - Nice. But I also remember my son being in his little boppy pillow on my desk and I could take phone calls while he was sitting there sleeping. My daughter, no, there would've been no taking phone calls with this one pulling on me and all of those things. I think that she came into this world with a force like a hurricane and it's been fun to watch for sure.

Speaker 1 (10:25):

Well, there's some studies that indicate it is much more of a challenge to raise girls than it is to raise boys. I think particularly for moms, I think the way boys look at their relationship with their mom is different than relationships between a daughter and a mom. I think also we do relax when we have the second one. You may see me and Maddie doing our Instagram posts at Dr. Susan Taylor. And my oldest daughter Morgan says, "Oh, you let Maddie do everything." Now I don't know about everything, but I have to say Morgan, yes, she's right.

Speaker 2 (11:01):

Now is Morgan jealous? Does she want to do some posts with you?

Speaker 1 (11:05):

No, not about that. She meant when they were younger, the things I would let Maddie do and places I'd let Maddie go, I never let her do or go. And I think that's true. I don't think Morgan really cares about the post. Each kid is

Speaker 2 (11:22):

Different. But I think that also speaks to you and I both are the younger siblings in our family too. No, I'm the older one. Oh, I thought you were the younger one. No,

Speaker 1 (11:30):

My sister's younger.

Speaker 2 (11:31):

So I parent differently because I am the youngest among my brother and I. And so I think how I approach motherhood is different. And my friends that are the oldest and their family dynamic, they parent differently than I do as well. So I wonder if your intimidation factors coming from being the oldest more taking charge. Yeah, it would be interesting to see. Given that your sister has a mental health background, you could probably just ask her.

Speaker 1 (11:59):

Yeah, I could. She's a psychologist, right? One of the questions I think we ask and every generation of moms ask is, "Should I stay home with my children?" And when my kids were young, I never considered staying home, but you wonder, "Are my children missing something because I didn't stay

Speaker 2 (12:19):

Home?"

Speaker 1 (12:19):

And I remember my office was in Center City. My children went to school in the suburbs, and I remembered dashing out of my office

(12:30):

After I saw my last patient early and going way over the speed limit to get to my daughter's school to do either the reading circle or the cooking mom cooks or whatever. And you just wonder, "Am I missing something?" And when Morgan was in, I don't know, third grade, second grade, there was a trip to the zoo. I zoomed out. I made it. I was one of the parents' chaperones. But shortly thereafter, she's like, "Well, mommy, you don't come to anything and Christina's mommy comes to everything." And I said, "Well, first of all, that's not true. Mommy did cooking a month ago. Mommy did the zoo and I did this and I did that. And I was at the Halloween party." I said, "But honey, you have to remember, your mommy is a doctor and I save lives and so is Christina's mommy and Eileen's mommy.

(13:23):

And there were about five mommy doctors in the class."

(13:26):

And I said, "That's a real important job, so we do both." And she looked at me and she said, "You mean Christina's mommy's a nothing?" Oh, I know. That's what I said. Oh no, I didn't mean that. I wasn't going there, right? I said, "No, no, no." I said, "No, her job is really very important, but my point is there are different jobs, right? And your mommy's job is to be a mommy, but also to be a doctor." And I asked my children, my grown children now, would you have preferred me to stay home? And they're like, "Oh, absolutely not." Now, I don't know if that's because they though, "Oh Lord, I have her all the time." But I think they're proud of what I've accomplished and what I've done. And I think we need to, as women, stop doubting ourselves and saying, should we stay at home?

(14:14):

And I think this is really important now because there's this whole movement now about trad wives and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I think our children, when they look back on it, they're proud to see us. They

Speaker 2 (14:27):

Are.

Speaker 1 (14:27):

Really making a way in the workforce, making a way, whatever we do. It could be law, it could be business, it could be medicine.

Speaker 2 (14:38):

Well, and I can remember one of my sisters-in-law coming up to me after, and we both had children at the same time when she had her daughter and I had my daughter. And I remember her coming up to me at one point, one family function, and she said, "Don't you just love being at home with them?" And I said, "I'm not at home with them." You're like,

Speaker 1 (15:00):

Wrong mom.

Speaker 2 (15:01):

I kind of had a different level of guilt on that because there are some women out there that truly love that. Absolutely.

Speaker 1 (15:08):

And

Speaker 2 (15:08):

That's

Speaker 1 (15:08):

Their

Speaker 2 (15:08):

Decision. It is. 100%. And also take hiatus from their careers to do that. And I think that's wonderful if that's what you truly want. But how you define having it all, what does that look like for you and the partnership that you're in or however you came about having those children or those daughters? I think that there's so many different philosophies on parenting, but I think you have to do what's best for you and what works for you.

Speaker 1 (15:39):

100%. And I think so many young people ask me, "Can I have it all?" And my answer is, "Yeah, you can have it all, but not at the same time." And I think also when you're doing so much and have so many roles, you have to ask yourself when good is just good enough, because I don't think you can be excellent at your career and excellent at being a mom and excellent at being a daughter and excellent at the next thing all at the same time, because then you just wouldn't sleep or you wouldn't be in your right mind. But I think you can be good at these things.

Speaker 2 (16:23):

The other thing I find so fascinating as a mom is the stages that your kids go through, particularly your daughters, I enjoy being with her in such a way now that the dynamic has changed to friend. And it's funny, she jokes with me often that I would reinforce to her when she was little, "I'm not your friend. I'm your mom." Me

Speaker 1 (16:46):

Too.

Speaker 2 (16:47):

And I think I said that maybe a little too often. And so it created a little bit of a different level of challenge within that. One of the things that you touched on and I think is really important is that your life, and again, we are daughters too, it doesn't need to mimic mine. You don't need to model what I'm doing. Absolutely. And so again, looking at how you can pick from the best of what your parents offer. And for daughterhood, I think too, I don't know if it was like this for your girls, but for my daughter hitting in the teen years, that's when I felt it the most. I would say that's when I wanted to be home the most as well. Not necessarily when they were toddlers. I enjoyed that too. And I do know I was present for a lot of the firsts, if you will, but I also missed some of them along the way.

(17:38):

I think too now with technology, I have, whereas my parents had old film reels, we have so much on our phones now. We do. There's so much more that you can participate in. I remember with my daughter, they had, I think it was sold at CVS, there were books where you could read and record your own voice, and my daughter would listen to those at night. And so some of those things I felt like I was doing what I thought was my best to still create that opportunity for her to hear me even though I wasn't actually there every night.

Speaker 1 (18:11):

Yeah. My kids, when they were in lower school, we would pull them out of school all the time. And quite a few of the teachers said they thought it was okay.

Speaker 2 (18:18):

They didn't like that. Oh, they were okay. They were the

Speaker 1 (18:20):

Opposite because they said traveling to these places is an education in and of itself, an enriching part of the education. Now, of course, we took the schoolwork with us, but it changes. So my advice is pull them out of school. They need to see, it's wonderful to have that international perspective or even that national perspective. It's more difficult when they're in middle school and upper school. Upper school's impossible, right? But sharing those experiences with the kids I think is just invaluable when they're young. I view that as part of their education. So we did not hesitate in taking our kids

Speaker 2 (19:00):

To those places. And I think you bring up another good point too is, again, daughters, they don't always follow the model of whatever it is that you did. And for me growing up, once I was in high school, I was going to school full-time. I had a part-time job. I didn't have a parent who bought a car for me. I had to get my own car and pay for my own insurance and my gas and things like that.

(19:26):

I didn't quite do it the same way for my own kids, and it was a little bit easier for them. I'm not going to tell you I walked uphill both ways to school, but it's almost that bad when I make it that story for my kids. But I do think that we inherently do try to make it a little bit easier for our kids along the way. But being as attuned as you can be to what their daily life is like, but I was always very encouraging, especially when they got to middle and high school, that it really was, I'm going to say a demand that they got involved in school in some way, whether it was a club or with sports, because not every child naturally gravitates towards sports. What are some of the other lessons that you think you pass on to your daughters?

Speaker 1 (20:14):

I think definitely hard work, self-motivation. I think also helping others. I mean, that's just been so very important. Reaching back, pulling that next generation up. I think they've clearly, clearly gotten that. My kids beg me to introduce them to my mentees. They want to meet them, which I think is really neat, but they know how important those kids are. They know I come home and I talk about them and try to figure out ways to inspire those who aren't as motivated as I would like them to be. So I would love for them to play that role in other people's lives. So those are some of the things I think that they've learned and I think never to give up.

Speaker 2 (21:06):

Okay. I think one of the things that I would think would be a little bit challenging in your role as a physician, but particularly as a dermatologist, and now I love seeing you on social media and what you're doing, but what do you think about, as again, we're talking about daughters, praising more than just her appearance. When she walks in the room, and I'm guilty of this sometimes too, and I see my daughter often, but I'm also really blown away by what a beautiful young woman she's become. And so naturally when she walks in the room, sometimes I'll say, "Your hair looks fantastic today." And then I think, "Is that really the first thing you wanted to say to her?" And so I think how do you handle appearance, especially as someone in the role that you have?

Speaker 1 (21:50):

So I think it's a real push-pull. I understand what you're saying that you don't want to just only focus on physical appearance or hair or makeup or whatever. But the but to that is those compliments help to instill confidence. Often I'll have children who either come in with their parents or they're the patient and I'll say, "Oh, what a beautiful princess you are." And their faces just light up. It would be meaningless to say, "Oh, what a wonderful future doctor you are." Exactly. Right?

Speaker 2 (22:27):

Yeah.

Speaker 1 (22:28):

So as they are older in various situations, you might say, "Wow, that project you did, you are a wonderful budding scientist, or you're a great author, or look, you're a wonderful artist." So that's the kind of praise you also want to instill. But to compliment them on their appearance, I think there's a role. Now it shouldn't be the only factor, but I think it's good for them to hear that.

Speaker 2 (23:01):

And I think that for sure that builds a certain level of confidence too. Confidence. Let's talk about financial confidence a little bit too, because that's a big deal for young girls as well. And I think that now, of course, you're very easily influenced by things you see on social media. And I can't tell you how many of even my own friends, they'll say, "I was Instagram influenced today. Oh my gosh, I bought this thing." And I think that the value of money and how they review it, instilling financial confidence is a conversation I have with my kids. We started bank accounts very young, both checking and savings, and we look to track that. And I think that - Okay, girl,

Speaker 1 (23:41):

I'm applauding you. I

Speaker 2 (23:42):

Think my kids - Because I

Speaker 1 (23:43):

Made that mistake

Speaker 2 (23:44):

And didn't do that. You did? Yeah. And I think that my kids, especially my daughter, got very interested in stocks and trading as a young kid, and they did reinforce that a bit in high school too. Wonderful. So I think that that was fun to see.

Speaker 1 (23:58):

I have one that's great with money and one who's not so great. But both of them, when they had their first jobs, were steadfast in maximizing their retirement funds portion that they put away for retirement and the match. So I feel like, okay, that's a good thing. It is. But I have one who's a great saver and one who is not. And they came from the same household.

Speaker 2 (24:24):

We've talked a little bit as well about, again, not modeling the same behavior as your mom. Should that expectation be a little too high for you to attain, or maybe just not the direction that you want to go into. I think it's important also to, we regularly, you and I talk about boundaries and saying no. That also comes with a full life. So again, taking your children to things that you do, volunteer opportunities, try to incorporate them into the things that you're interested in, because I think that's the beauty of having daughters is you never know what they're going to fall in love with.

Speaker 1 (25:01):

So I've always been a real lover of art, particularly African American art, and have collected over the years. And Maddie just bought her first picture, and it just did my heart, it gave me such joy

Speaker 2 (25:19):

Speaker 1 (25:19):

See her do that.

Speaker 2 (25:20):

That's fantastic. I think that too, again, there's huge challenges to raising teenagers, but also some of the biggest things that you can do during that time is instilling that confidence that you trust that she's making good decisions. Absolutely. And also by modeling, not necessarily modeling exactly what your professional behavior is, but how are you at home? How are you in the relationships that you have? I tell my kids,

(25:49):

And I've told them this from the get, is have as many friends as you can and varied friends. And I have done the same as well. Now, as I've gotten older, I will be honest, my circle is smaller. Those that I relish and that I spend my quality time with, that list is a little bit smaller. But I also think it's fun for them to see those meaningful relationships that I've had that are as far back as middle school and elementary school and a lot of my college girlfriends as well. I think it's fun for them to see and that they can really apply that to their own lives.

Speaker 1 (26:25):

Okay. Last mom question. Do you track your children late at nigt?

Speaker 2 (26:32):

So again, I have a daughter in college. We both have Life360. She tracks me more than I track her. I'll be honest, this girl, not only is she commenting on where I am, she comments on how fast I was driving. It is the other way around. I'll be honest. After she got out of high school, we are in a full difference of opinion about how fast I am driving. It's fun, but it's funny, her generation, they track all of their friends. Do they? Life360 is on all of their, or Find My iPhone is on a lot of their friends' phones. But she'll say, "Oh, I see you're at such and such. What are you doing?" So let me just say this. She's looking at my location a lot more than I'm looking at hers.

Speaker 1 (27:20):

Okay. So I can track them, but they can't track me.

Speaker 2 (27:24):

Really? Well, maybe you want to flip that up a little bit. Got to have that trust both ways.

Speaker 1 (27:31):

Wait, I'm the mother.

Speaker 2 (27:32):

Oh my goodness. Here we go again.

Speaker 1 (27:34):

Okay. Polished.

Speaker 2 (27:36):

Not perfect.